Someone Else's Family

This year, I'm going to go on vacation with someone else's family. No, I'm not starring in some weird new reality TV show --- I am going to practice mindful detachment when I spend a week at the beach with my parents, my siblings, and their spouses and children. I'm going to try to pretend they're someone else's family.

I love my family, even when some of my relatives drive me up a wall. But I have never been able to be detached, in a zen sort of way. This year, when someone says something that in the past I would have felt I just had to respond to, instead, I will freeze, and I'll turn into one of my friends for a minute. I'll channel one of my friends and I'll do what she would do in that moment, if she were there instead of me. Or, I'll mentally transform my aggravating family member into a member of someone else's family.

I'd never make a sarcastic crack at my friend's sister or mother, right? Hopefully this mental role-playing will help me to remember: Don't engage! Let it go! Smile and nod.

I saw a funny cartoon recently. The character was sitting at her computer calling up to her partner who was summoning her to bed. The character said something along the lines of "I can't come to bed now, honey --- Someone is WRONG on the INTERNET!"

It cracked me up, because I have had that awareness of others when I've been online. I've noticed someone else's inexplicable inability or unwillingness to let something go online. I've thought to myself, "Why do you care about this? Just turn off your computer and go do something else. Why are you letting this bother you? Why waste your time? Hit the delete button!"

Next time I find myself on the verge of retorting (and escalating things) when I'm with a family member who's annoying me, I'm going to rise above my situation and think, what would my Best Self say right now to my cartoon character self? Cartoon character self cries, "Someone is WRONG in my FAMILY!" But Best Self gently puts a hand on cartoon character self's hand and says, "That's right, dear, and it's not your job to set them straight. Just go do something else. Smile and nod. Don't engage. Don't argue. Don't let them get to you.

At least now I can literally Run Away when stuff like this happens. I'm going to wear my running shoes all week long so I can dash out the door at a moment's notice.

And no, I'm not even leaving soon. I'm just mentally preparing for this trip, three weeks in advance.

What are your pitfalls when you spend time with your family of origin? What gets your goat? And what strategies work for you to help cope with the stressful times?

Running Away

I started running on Saturday. I signed up for the Women's Four Miler Training Program and I registered for the race (at the end of August) and someone in my women's group is even having tee shirts printed. So I'm really doing this.

This morning, it felt so great to go out my door, walk down my driveway, and run almost half a mile, turn around, and come back. Okay, let me qualify that. It felt great to walk out my door and know that I was ABOUT to run almost one mile. Actually RUNNING the mile, that didn't feel so great. My legs felt like lead. My lungs and heart were working hard. My body was yelling, "What? You have GOT to be kidding. You did this once already, two days ago. Last time you did this was maybe ten years ago. You did it two or three times then and then had the good sense to never try this monkey business again. What the hell? I was counting on Saturday being some kind of aberration. You're doing this again? Please stop this nonsense. Can I go lie down yet?"

But I let those naysaying thoughts go, and I did it. And on Wednesday I'll do it again. And then again on Saturday for the weekly training run. The program for beginners that I'm following has us start with just running three days a week in the beginning, with a day or two of break in between. Thank God.

I really did get to walk out my door and "run away" this morning. I can't tell you how many times I have fantasized about doing that when my day was really hard and I had exhausted my patience and my coping skills. Running out of the house this morning was really empowering. Funny though, one of my favorite things about it was coming home and hearing my kids cheering, "Yay mommy!" from the living room. It made me forget the tantrums and the meltdowns that I had to cope with from the moment they woke up at 5:45am!

This running thing is my latest step in my journey to feel like and to practice being my Best Self. What are some projects that you've taken on, or habits you've developed or broken, that have helped you practice being your Best Self? Any advice for me on how to stick with this when I feel like quitting, as I am sure I will? I will be posting some motivational quotes on my fridge and bathroom mirror, and around my computer monitor. Your own words or the words of others - doesn't matter. Post a comment!

Far From Perfect

I try to remind myself that when I totally lose my patience with my kids (especially my four year old) and yell at them, then apologize, that I'm not in fact scarring them for life but instead I'm teaching them that it's only human to be mad, to lose your patience, to have a temper tantrum (kid version or adult version) and that nobody stops loving anybody because of it.

I know not to compare my experience of my ugly underbelly of parenting with my perception of other people's families. I know that I'm not really the only parent in the world who professes to believe in positive parenting, and who really does believe in it, actually, but who then completely loses her s#!t sometimes and yells loudly at the kids when they get on Mom's last nerve. I'm sure that there are others like me. The guilt, the shame, mixed with the genuine belief/understanding that I'm a good mother, overall. I see how well-adjusted my kids are. I see how loving and kind they are. I see how happy (mostly) they are. The older one is rather melodramatic, but she's secure, and confident (mostly), interesting and smart and funny and fun. She knows she is totally adored by her parents and her sister. Little sis knows the same thing (at least, by her parents... *half smiling, half grimacing*)

But I still have fears that I'm Screwing Everything Up and that it will take decades of therapy to undo the damage I'm doing by yelling at them.

Sigh. I wish we (mothers, parents in general) talked about this more. Talking with kindred spirit moms is so helpful for me. Time for me to read some parenting books? Maybe there's one about Striving For Positive Parenting When You're The One in the Family Who's No Less Likely Some Days to Have A Tantrum as Anyone Else.

What Your Life Says About You

I facilitate a Family Covenant Group at my church, for families/parents with kids ages 5 and younger. The kids enjoy supervised free play with a child care provider while the adults have a focused, facilitated discussion about a preselected topic. We meet twice a month. Next time we meet, one of the adults in the group is going to lead the group in an exercise in which we each examine what our lives *really* say about us. It's one thing to tell yourself (and everyone else) that your priorities are your family, being peaceful, being eco-conscious, or whatever. It's quite another to actually *live* your professed values. So, I'm simultaneously looking forward to --- and feeling a bit intimidated by --- this process of taking a hard look at what the way I actually live my life reflects what my priorities are.

I say I care about the environment, but I don't live downtown where I can walk to places. I need to drive every day. I say that my family - including both my nuclear family and my family of origin - matters most to me, but I'm sitting here next to a box of random things, hand me down type stuff, that I'm planning to give to my sister --- and it's been waiting to be shipped for weeks. Ok, I lied. Months.

I will post about this topic again after I've engaged in this self-inventory. But for now, I will just predict here that (a) some of what I find, I'll like; and (b) a lot of what I find, I'll realize, is going to create a call to action for me to change my ways. I already know this, just doing a casual look at how I spend my days and evenings, and how I spend my money, just to name two ways of measuring true priorities.

I'm curious to engage in this kind of examination in an organized way. Curious and scared.

Mommy Dates

I took my older daughter on a "Mommy Date" tonight. Dinner out and dessert at a scoop shop, just the two of us. As we began our meal, we were sitting and laughing together, present and joyful in that moment.

That's good that we had that one delightful moment, because the overall date didn't wrap up as sweetly. It took her forever to eat, got late, we were tired, she was cranky, I was feeling (but trying not to act) grumpy, and I felt like a grinch by the end of it, hurrying her out of the scoop shop, looking at my watch, aware that she's going to be sleep deprived tomorrow... It wasn't the carefree experience that I'd been hoping it would be.

At least I've learned something:

Rules for successful Mommy (or Daddy) Dates:

1. Initiate them when there is ample time to enjoy a leisurely outing without bumping into extreme tiredness or late bedtimes/naptimes (for either of you!). The rest of your life holds plenty of opportunity to rush your kid from one place to another.

2. Even when the date isn't awesome, it's still great that you did it, and you'll just need to do it again soon. (Kind of like grown up dates! They're not all going to be stellar, but you just need to keep making one on one time for each other and you'll be back in the groove in no time!)

3. It's really good for each of you to sometimes be the one to initiate a Date. Your kid needs to know that you really are eager to do it, and so you're the one to suggest it and ask for it sometimes. They also need to know that they can ask for it, and you'll make it happen in a timely fashion, and not put it off til mañana.

4. Sometimes Dates should be relatively expensive/fancy, and sometimes they should be free or cheap. It's good for a kid to know that he or she is worth linen tablecloths or a pricey event ticket, or whatever floats your collective boat. It's also good for kids to know that it's the *time* together that counts, not the cost of the activity, so freebies and cheapies are great. (For a list of ideas of free or cheap eco-friendly ways to spend time with your kids in and around Charlottesville, Virginia, see Better World Betty's Backyard Betty - Outdoor Fun list. Have fun coming up with your own lists, too, and sharing them with your friends and communities!

5. If you do find yourself in a time crunch, or some other potentially stressful situation, try --- on this date, more than ever --- to let it go. Let go of the clock, let go of your money woes, or the frustration you feel about the chocolate sauce that got spilled on your favorite jacket that just came back from the dry cleaners. By all means, let go of the day at the office or the tiff with your partner that you had earlier. It's only human to be stressed sometimes, and to show that stress sometimes. But on a Parent-Kid date, a time that you've intentionally carved out to be special and fun, best to just let go of the stresses of life, and let go of any expectations. These moments are gold, and you don't want to remember yourself all pinch-faced and coercive. (Not that you ever aspire to be pinch-faced and coercive, but especially not on a Date!)

Tonight's date went okay, but not swimmingly. Happily, I didn't lose my cool or act like a big meanie or anything; I just wasn't AS relaxed, AS in the flow as I'd have liked to have been. That's okay, not every Date needs to be "perfect." They just need to happen. There's always a next time, and a next time. In the future, I'll be sure to remember rule #1 and, most most importantly, rule #5. In the meantime, I'm glad I made time for my kid and I'm so grateful that, for the next few years anyway, she is totally hungry for one on one special time with me.

Have fun, and please do report back with stories of and ideas for your own special outings with the young people in your life!